Marriage is inevitably one of the most important institutions this world will ever know. Everyone in this world one way or the other have gone through it or will go through it.
But to the first timer it is food for serious thought. In this present times, many young people are having heightened anxiety about the prospect of settling down. What could be the reason for this anxiety?
As a child growing up, I’ve always looked at my parents’ relationship in awe. In my imagination they were the perfect couple. I saw them happy and always available for each other. Never did I witnessed them at loggerheads with each other.
So when news of their impending separation reached my ears, I was devastated. The only question that I managed to utter when reality finally dawned on me, was how come?
Later when I gathered all the facts about why they have decided to journey apart, I realized that not all marriages are exactly what they seem to be. The apparent joy and happiness that’s shown profusely to the prying eyes is only a façade in most marriages.
But the thing to understand here is that no matter what happens in a marriage, it is a private issue and those involve in that marriage should decide what to do, without necessarily making it a subject for public debate.
My parents’ divorce had a deep impact on me growing up. As a result of this experience, I nursed fears about marriage, not knowing how to tackle it. Who do I run to for guidelines as I saw myself approaching that milestone? Obviously not my parents. For the simple reason that they don’t inspire in me confidence. But was I not mistaken?
Questions such as how could they have hid the rot in their marriage from us, graced my exuberant youthful mind.
But the answers to those questions finally came to me when I mustered courage and dived into that lifelong commitment: marriage. Though it didn’t work the first time, I learnt so many lessons from that first experience. Then I realized that thinking my parents weren’t the best people to talk to on that topic because they got divorced was obviously my biggest mistake I ever made in my life.
I believe if I’d spoken to my parents extensively about my desire to get married, I could have saved my from the bitter experiences I went through the first time.
One of the most important thing that young people considering marriage should really understand is themselves. Obviously if you enter into any commitment without knowing yourself then that commitment is already set on a pedestal to fail.
Knowing oneself entails believing that you are really ready to live with someone, and that’s definitely what you want to do. Knowing oneself also supposes that you are ready for everything that will come from that commitment.
One other reason most marriages fail is when the stakeholders involved in the marriage forget that they are two on that journey. Once you’ve decided to settle down with somebody, the ‘I’ in you cease to exist. Everything becomes ‘us’ and ‘we’. You must be ready to share, ready to accommodate the other. You must also be ready to conform to some rules about living together.
Another cause of breakups in marriage is opening that marriage to everyone including family and friends. In a marriage as in a relationship, sharing what happens during that journey to strangers is very detrimental to that relationship.
You can’t make your marriage an open sore and expect it to blossom, it is just not possible. Not everyone who’s around you, wants your marriage to be a success story. So be mindful of who you share your marital problems with. Beside do you think those to whom you run for advice, don’t have issues in their relationships? The fact that they don’t tell you doesn’t mean there’s devoid of adversities.
Whatever comes up during the course of your marriage, it calls on your attention, you and your partner. It’s only when you have tried comprehensively to resolve your differences without success, that you approached somebody. However, this somebody shouldn’t be mere friends or relatives. It should be somebody whose counsel you both will respect.
Personally I don’t think relatives or parents are right options in this scenario. If you decide on go “to the parents’ approach, then include both sides. But then again, I won’t advice that approach.
Marriage works better when you plan everything from the very beginning. When an impromptu situation arises, you must devise a means of resolving it and when you are successful with that, it builds a bond between you.
Remember there is no marriage without issue. There’s nothing like the perfect couple. So when your relationship starts to have issues, don’t panic. It is well. Be comprehensible, considerate, compassionate and compromising with your partner and you will be fine.
Written by: Akua Brigitte